Cuppy Cake

I'm so happy today. I found out that I have been approved a loan to have my laser surgery done. No one really understands how hard it is to be known as the bearded lady. 

I have to go make an appointment with the clinic. My money should be in my account in 2 weeks. I'm elated.

I often want to cover up my face with a mask when I leave the house. Summertime is the worst. It's so bright outside. People can see my every flaw in bright sunny light. I'm female. I was born female. I have no want to be male. Yet, here I am with this horrible facial hair. I cannot leave the house without having a shave & putting on a thick coating of make-up to cover the razor burn. 

I'm often made fun of for the fact that I have facial hair. I've had various nicknames since puberty. Most people think I'm a lesbian because of the hair. Others have called me a freak. I was born this way. I did not choose this & given the chance would be happily rid of it. Laser surgery is the only option, but even that is limited. I've been told that it will lighten and lessen the growth, not get rid of it!

I feel as though I am a burden to my family. I have great limitations about what I can do, which limits what they can do. I have gotten into the habit of doing the things that are safe & do not cause me panic. My husband has started to take my daughter out on his own to do more adventurous things that I don't dare do. It's a constant struggle, I wish I didn't feel like I'm always wearing a mask to get out of the house.

I'm so tired of being depressed and anxious all the time. I'm trying so hard to be the opposite of these, but seem to keep failing. I'm far from giving up, it's so hard to keep on track and change so much of my life every moment of every day.

I don't know what my Step-Dad is thinking, or rather, who he thinks he is. He's been mistreating my Mom for some time now. He makes rude comments about her weight and looks. He states that he is going to leave her for a younger woman. I've told my Mom she doesn't have to stay, but she's afraid to leave. This is frustrating because this is how the first marriage she had dissolved. She finally left when I was dragging her out the door as my Father threw everything we owned at us, then when that didn't work, his fists. That was over a decade and a half ago, but the scenario seems all too familiar. 

It's hard to be there for her though. She is a three hour drive away from us. I made it clear that our spare room is always open if she needs to 'get away for some time with her grandchild.' I hope she takes me up on it so she can sort her priorities out. This is disheartening because they seemed like such a great couple. I'm also used to the strength of my relationship with my own husband, that when others are not as strong, I'm simply amazed that anyone could stay in a relationship like that.

Does anyone else use this site? I've found this a great site for trying out new recipes. There are reviews of each recipe sent in by people who make them. My favorite recipes include gingerbread cookies, chocolate zuchini muffins and simple white cake.

Are there any sites that you use for recipes? Or do you use your own families?

Today was interesting. I had a lot of chores and errands to complete today. I managed to keep my panic under control until we arrived at the post office. A girl with tourrettes started shouting at us. My daughter started screaming as I was having a strong panic attack, all the while the girl kept shouting 'NO' at us. I know about disorders & that I should have been more compassionate, but the girl was freaking me out because we were being attacked due to her disorder. Her family was holding her back while she was hitting the railing. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. 

I talked with a friend at the library afterwards. She was laughing as I recounted the scene & reassured me that even she would have panicked in the same situation. (I'm currently reading the Spiderwicke books to my daughter. These are great easy-read books for your kids! I highly recommend them if your child likes Harry Potter.) There were loads of people staring at me, because of this poor girl's tantrum. Anyone who knows agoraphobics know we like anonymity. She cheered me up with a story about the kid on the train who kept hitting the back of her chair the entire journey into town. She lives 30 minutes out of town.

When returning to the laundromat to pick up my now-nearly dry clothing, I found that someone had stuck their washing in with mine in hopes of avoiding paying for the dryer. I was so upset with the onslaught of panic, the tantrum in the post office...that I threw one of my own. I threw whomever's laundry it was on the ground as I folded my dry laundry. I kicked it all in a pile on the floor. This blonde walked in and started shouting "What the *(O)& are you doing to my laundry?" I looked at her and simply said that if she was too cheap to pay for her own dryer, she could pay for washing her clothes over again since mine now stank of hers. She turned to the owner of the laundromat & demanded that he do something. He just laughed and said, "She has a point. You can pay for your own damn washing." and walked away. 

Is that a victory? Was I in the right to throw her laundry on the floor? Should I have simply left it on the side in a basket? Was I wrong to snap? I got called a few names by the woman and my laundry now stinks of whatever perfume she wears. I've re-washed the clothes that stink of her perfume...and smoke. I hate people who smoke simply because smoke makes me sick. There are a lot of my compassionate smoking friends who think that I'll be ok with the occasional secondhand smoke. I don't like any smoke since any smoke makes me sick! Stupid blonde.

The thing that really bothered me was she stood there, with a pair of Gucci sunglasses, a Chloe handbag, a pair of Miss Sixty jeans and a little tight brown Versace top. She obviously had the money to spend on designer lable clothing, but couldn't spare the 50 cents to dry them? Maybe I should have KEPT her clothes, then auctioned them off on eBay! Now I think of THAT!

Today wasn't a good day. I spent the day trying to get out of the house. Even now I'm sat here, near the door, just waiting for the nerve to get out the door. I've gotten close a few times. I've been in the backyard, which is a start. Yet, here I am. Waiting. 

I think I'll go distract myself with baking something yummy. Much love to all you agoraphobics out there.